Old And Invisible

Wishing for some type of epiphany regarding how I'm really doing. Not sure I'm ready to go out and face the world again. I've become so disillusioned with people in general that I find my peace of mind gets beaten up every time I'm around people for more than a few minutes.

I've always felt that no one really listens to me and that feeling is even more profound now. It seems that everyone I try to talk with interrupts me and tried to put in their voice before I can even finish a thought. Even when someone asks a question they don't wait for an answer. 

Then there's the biggest pain in the ass of them all. No matter what I say, I'm always overruled and told I'm wrong with my facts. I've always been overshadowed by my brother. He's always been the brains in the family. I don't think they expected much from me. I was never told that I had any talent or any redeeming value. Now I get the same type of treatment from just about everyone.

Biggest peeve is that everyone just loves to talk and talk and talk. They don't know how, or don't want to listen. 

I'm feeling old and tired and of no value. No matter what I do I'm undervalued as a person. I consider this the plight of most humans though. The loudest voice in the room prevails.

And that jam at Little Cedar is a joke. There are people who dominate. Men who come in and just bulldoze their way through the session. And the cute gals, the skinny gals are the ones who have people encouraging them to play. 

Last week that loud annoying guy who hogs the show asked me to sing the Bill Joe song, then he proceeded to sing a song, someone else jumped in, and then the loud annoying guy packed up and left. And Wish hasn't a clue. He's so out of it he doesn't even recognize how angry it makes me. He starts a song and expects me to join in, without even asking. 

I'm falling deeper and deeper into a depression. I am a fat fuck with nothing left to give. Most days I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

Fences To Separate Church And State?

I attended a Zoom meeting last night of AU, an organization that is a proponent for the complete separation of the church from government. The speaker was a guy with a lot of theological credentials, including a PHD. The entire premise of his talk was to show the history of how the country was never built around church and state separation. Even some of our state constitutions include reference to Almighty God in some of their articles. 

It was an interesting presentation based on the premise that instead of building a wall to separate the two institutions, we should build a fence. During the meeting I wasn't yet aware of the nonsense this represented. He was using these concepts as if they were interchangeable. They are two separate things.

First, we should have a distinct separation of the church and our government. Whether one uses the image of a wall or a fence or row of trees to represent a line, the idea is still the same. We don't need the government dictating our choices regarding religious affiliation and we don't need the church telling the government how to enact laws. I suppose it's cutesy to act like a fence is somehow going to make things run more smoothly or that would be a way to get this accomplished more quickly.

The other premise he used was that we need to have a dialogue. Certainly that is much more civil than what we seem to have now in our discourse. However, we can still have discussion over the fence, as it were, and still have strict separation of these entities. 

Another thought that presented itself to me was the idea that we have government declaring national and state holidays that sometimes are tied to religion. How do we do away with this if we are to achieve complete separation? It seems that we have never been able to separate our religion from our government. How often are cities or counties using local clergy to say a prayer before a meeting? We even have chaplains in the House and Senate. Our various military branches also have clergy in their ranks. 

I think I concluded that the bottom line for the speaker, and for many of the participants was not a strict adherence to separation wholly. He seemed to be pushing a more religious angle for discussion over the fence, and didn't seem to consider that perhaps the best approach might be to nix religion altogether and have someone with no religion do the talking. Too many times I think judgment gets clouded when one approaches issues from an already set point of view. Those who practice religion think, too often, that it offers all the answers. 

RIP Casey

I had to have my Casy girl put down. She was in such bad shape that I had no other choice. She was in pain, and suffering, and that was the part that was tormenting me. The fact that I had to have her euthanized isn't why I cried, it was having to see her suffer at the end.

The decent was rapid. On Tuesday I took her to the vet, had to take her back on Friday, and by Saturday she was gone. I knew she was in pain, and suffering. I was fortunate that my neighbor agreed to take her to the emergency clinic for the shot that would end her life. 

I did get some comfort from hearing the test results from the vet. She actually called me while Casey was on her way to be put down. The vet told me that the results showed acute kidney failure, muscle mass deterioration, arthritis, and a variety of other things. When I told her that Casey was on her way to put down, she said she wasn't surprised. It reinformed my idea that it was time to put the poor baby out of her pain.

She'll be back in the house soon. I'm having her cremated and having her ashes put in a box that will sit on the mantel with my other baby, Sophie.  

It's been hard, but I know it was right. I miss my bedtime companion. I miss our times together when I would brush her and she would beg for me to keep going. I am sad, but I am coping and trying to be a peace with the fact that she's no longer suffering and in pain.

Ending With No Regrets

Last night, November 7th, 2019, was the final open mic at our local café.  With much fanfare and bloviating, the evening went as expected.  The roaches came out of the woodwork to perform, even though they didn't support the program on a regular basis.  But, that's to be expected.  The venue is moving to a new location, near downtown, and if it's as I've heard, the location is going to be even smaller and more chaotic than last night.

As a result of every amateur musican in the county and beyond wanting to get in on the act, it meant having only a chance to play 2 songs.  That's okay, because some of the 'entertainment' should have been restricted to just 1, but that's just a matter of taste on my part.  The emcee kept reminding everyone that they needed to be ready when they were called to play.  Why, I don't really know, since the thing went on well past closing time anyway, but that's just the best way to keep some people of sitting around scratching their ass, while they should be paying attention to what's going on.

Of course, it was no surprise to me that the Witless Lunatic would have to delay things when his turn came to be on stage.  This is the same guy who signs up, leaves the building and doesn't listen to the other performers, and then comes back at his leisure to do his set.  Thoughtfulness must not be part of the equation for a lot of these guys.

Since the entire event was indoors, it was too fucking loud most of the time.  Some of these performers were just screaming into the mic and slamming their guitars like they were trying to put out a fire.  I could literally feel the wall behind me vibrating with some of the noise.  Yes, I'll call it noise.  It wasn't music.  It was noise.  It was yelling into the microphone continually, with no dynamics in the song whatsoever.

What I've observed, not only at this venue, but at most all others, is that men tend to beat the shit out of their guitars.  There is no subtle playing.  I don't know why this is, but it happens all the time.  There are a few exceptions, and these are the players who seem to be most in demand.  Russell knows how to make his guitar sing as sweetly as he does.  Randy is another one who can finesse the heck out of his guitar.

A couple of surprises from last night, were Beth singing melody and harmony, and sounding great, and Richard's pure, clear, smooth voice singing a country song.  I've heard Richard before, but guess I'd never realized what a great voice he has.  Equally surprising were those who were there for the first time, had what looked like a lot of experience, and didn't sound that good.  Looks can be deceiving.  Having an old guitar doesn't translate to good music.

The after party might have gone on for a long time.  I don't know, I left at the end.  The faux ego made his choices on who he wanted to hear from again.  I wasn't surprised.  This is a place that caters to the white guys or the young, blond chicks.  I'd heard these guys enough for one night and didn't care to stay around for more.  Actually one of they guys who got invited back, owes me a big favor, but he didn't think about that when he was asked to perform again.  I'd relinquished my spot a few weeks earlier so someone he knew could perform.  I've done this several times, and now realize that no one cares after the fact.  No special favors have gone the other way.   But, there is one guy who did allow me to play when I hadn't signed up, but he wasn't the regular emcee.  He did it because he's a great guy.  The regular guy only allows favors for his special guests and the guys he likes.

As a result of going to this venue for over 5 years, I've met a lot of good people.  I've been able to play music with a lot of them outside this café.  I've developed friendships with some of them, and do find the majority to be decent people.  I'm sure a lot of them will visit the new site, and participate in their open mic there.  I'm not sure I want to continue, especially since it'll be the same emcee, and the same shitty sound system.  Others can go and make small talk, kiss the asses of the overlords, and spend time listening to the same old people.  To me, it's much ado about nothing.

Well, the "Mueller Report" is finally out there for the public to view.  I'm sure there are millions pouring over its every word trying to find something that will prove their side of the debate about guilty or innocence.

Not sure if the Barr presser really did anything to tell us things we didn't already know.  But, it was sure telling that Barr used the word collusion as if it were really part of the report.  The actual report only talked about coordinating and conspiring.  Is this guy really an attorney?

Parts that I found interesting:
Part I, Page 10

Further, the Office learned that some of the individuals we interviewed or whose conduct we investigated - including some associated with the Trump Campaign - deleted relevant communications or communicated during the relevant period using applications that feature encryption or that do not provide the long-term retention of data or communications records.  In such cases, the Office was not able to corroborate witness statements through comparison to contemporaneous communications or fully question witnesses about statements that appeared inconsistent with other known facts.

Accordingly, while this report embodies factual and legal determinations that the Office believes to be accurate and complete to the greatest extent possible, given these identified gaps, the Office cannot rule out the possibility that the unavailable information would shed additional light on (or cast in a new light) the events described in the report.

Part I, Page 173

In sum, the investigation established multiple links between Trump Campaign officials and individuals tied to the Russian government.  Those links included Russian offers of assistance to the Campaign.  In some instances, the Campaign was receptive to the offer, while in other instances the Campaign officials shied away.  Ultimately, the investigation did not establish that the Campaign coordinated or conspired with the Russian government in its election-interference activities.

So, from my own comprehension, it appears that some facts and statements could not be verified due to deleted or non-retrievable communications.  And although there was constant and repeated communication with Russians, the campaign is blameless?  Certainly seems to be a lot of ducks on the pond, but no one seems willing to call them ducks.

As for Part II, which deals with obstruction.  Here are a couple of jewels that caught my eye.

Page 8   Because we determined not to make a traditional prosecutorial judgment, we did not draw ultimate conclusions about Trump's conduct.  The evidence we obtained about Trump's actions and intent presents difficult issues that would need to be resolved if we were making a traditional prosecutorial judgment.  At the same time, if we had confidence after a thorough investigation of the facts that Trump clearly did not commit obstruction of justice, we would so state.  Based on the facts and the applicable legal standards, we are unable to reach that judgment.  Accordingly, while this report does not conclude that Trump committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him.

For the 30+% who still believe anything that comes out of the orange blowhole, this will be viewed as complete victory.  For the other 60+% it will mean a variety of things.  The only reality that I want to see is this menace moving back to NY in January 2021.

Feeding Frenzy

Today's the day the Mueller report will be shown to the public for the first time.  Although there will be parts that are redacted, I'm sure there will more than ample information to keep the feeding frenzy going for at least a few days.  

Anyone hoping that the report was finally going to be the final nail in the coffin for agent orange, has been deaf and blind for the past three years.  Nothing is going to touch the evil that is oozing from every pour of the orange blob.  Close to 10,000 lies and he still gets away free from any type of repercussions.  

Reality and sanity seem to have taken a very long holiday.  What we accept now is garbage from every institution that we should believe and respect.  

Hype The Gnats

Again, I suppose the population is going to prove they have the attention span of a gnat.  Back in 2016 it was endless coverage of agent orange.  Every word, every rally, seemingly every tweet was analyzed to death.  

Now we face the same with a select few of candidates on the Dem side.  Buttigieg, Biden, Beto, Bernie seem to be getting all the coverage.  Hell, Biden isn't even in the race.  What about the others with name recognition?  Warren, Harris, Castro are running to, but one would be hard pressed to hear about them from the news.

It's hard to forget that cable stations are in the business of making money.  We tend to believe what we hear and think they're all reporting real news.  It's not the case.  Nothing is more important than the bottom line.

Want to learn about a candidate?  Better find tons of news sources and not depend on one or two.  Otherwise you'll never find out the truth.  Short of going to Iowa or New Hampshire there is very little probability you'll be able to question a candidate directly or even get to shake a hand.  Even with 24 hour news it seems it's becoming increasingly hard to find out what we need to know to be informed voters.
April 17, 2019

Chaos And Lawlessness

Less than two years away from the next major election cycle and we're faced with the prospect of another 4 years of agent orange.  With an almost endless number of candidates throwing their hats into the Democratic race, it's going to be a long and arduous journey.  I can only hope that voters will decide to pick someone with enough appeal to win.

Those leading in current polls are Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Pete Buttigieg.  Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris are bringing up the rear, along with too long a shot Beto.  I'm not sure any of these people are what will bring people out in the numbers needed to defeat agent orange.  Biden hasn't even said he's running.  Bernie and Warren are spouting the same old far left message that just might screw things up so badly, that no one will want to vote.  Mayor Pete speaks well, has a confident demeanor, but I'm not sure the country is ready for a gay president.  

Of course, this is all speculation.  We may not have much a country left after agent orange and his pirates spend 2 more years spinning chaos and defying laws.  Since ass-lips rode down his elevator in his ivory tower, he's been demeaning and name calling and acting like an emperor.  His contempt for the law, and his contempt for stellar institutions may just be a pre-cursor of what he has in store.  Organizations run by honorable, hard-working people and doing service for its citizens, have been undermined, and maligned during his entire term.  

Almost daily, it seems, this administration hits a new low.  There seems to be end to the evil that will come out of this chaotic time.  There are no men or women of honor left in the Republican Party.  Blatant racism is now out in the open.  I see no decency left in the GOP. Being lapdogs for agent orange is their new normal.

While some administrations commit sins of omission, this one overtly sins with commission. It's now acceptable for men to treat women as objects, to be ridiculed and debased should these women speak their minds and express their ideas.  The depth of depravity have yet to be reached with today's GOP. 

Music Ain't My Life

I have to admire some of the young folks I know.  There are a few who have dream of making music, selling albums, singing at as many venues as possible, and maybe hitting it big somewhere, like in Nashville or New York or LA.  It's great that they have the backing of parents, spouses and friends.  It's great that they have the funds and the time to chase their dream.  

What I don't like to see, is their seeming insistence on trying to sound like every other musician in the mainstream today.  I understand that's what they have to do in order to succeed.  I understand that this is what their agents are telling them to do.  Too bad they aren't able to think for themselves; create their own style; stand out from the others.

I've tried my best to listen to a few of the local youngsters who are trying to inch their way into the big time.  I've tried, but it's too painful to listen.  The mumbled words, the eliding of sounds, the same tired themes wear thin after a few minutes.  In some cases, I don't even try to listen any longer.  I see a new video and I just don't even play it.  I already know it's going to be the same angst in the voice, the same struggle to understand what in the fuck is being said, the same tired whine in the voice.

I really can't blame any of them for their sound.  They've been exposed to it from the lack of imagination from the industry itself.  I used to listen to country music, but it all sounds the same so to listen is pointless.  I was sitting in a medical office recently, waiting to have blood drawn.  They had a local station piped in over their pa system.  I sat there through about 5 or 6 songs and I swear I couldn't tell one from the next.  It was the exact song sang by different people in different keys.  At one point I even laughed out loud at the thought.  

But, I'm an old fart.  None of these young wannabes care to hear what anyone like me has to say.  And, they don't care that they have one less consumer.  There are enough bobbing heads left to buy their canned, unimaginative music.

Meaning Of Life

Discovered the meaning of life.  It's very simple.  Life is nothing more than chores.  You do chores from the minute you're born, until the minute you die.
Getting up in the morning from a nice, warm be is a chore.
Shuffle to the bathroom, shower, brush you teeth, chore, chore, chore.
Breakfast = chore.  Make coffee = chore.  Get coffee on the way to work = chore.
Work = chore, chore, boring chore, etc.  

As we get older, it's harder and harder to want to do any more chores.  Things that once were a pleasure and were something to look forward to, suddenly are nothing but chores and a big, boring hassle.

The biggest chore of all?  Dealing with people.  Now that's one chore that us introverts dread the most.  

Duck And Cover

It's been four days since 58 people were murdered in Vegas.  Four days of bullshit and worthless gestures.  Nothing is going to change.  There is not going to be some grand revelation that's going to bring a change that will prevent this from being an ongoing scenario in some other city.  

Thoughts and prayers are a waste of time.  I can offer up farts and burps and the result is the same.  There is just too much money involved for any legislative action.  When the gun manufacturers are piping money into the pockets of politicians like a gushing river, there is not going to be any movement toward regulation.

When the media kept calling this latest episode the greatest mass murder in modern history, I just knew there was some guy, sitting at home, masturbating to his latest gun purchase, and vowing to beat the current record.  

We have a NASCAR mentality in this country.  We have been pushed into wanting to be the best, and the fastest and the greatest.  Drive in any situation and there's always going to be people who will weave in and out of traffic and risk death just to win the race to the next stoplight.  Speed limits be damned.  They just have to be in front of you.  

I fear it's the same with murder.  Living in infamy seems to be the goal; even though most aren't around to receive the praise they think they richly deserve.  Why did Booth kill Lincoln?  He thought his Southern comrades would greet him as a hero and he would be worshiped as a god.  He would avenge the tragedy of losing by killing the man he blamed.  

Nothing is going to stop the killing.  No one is going to rescue us.  We'll just wait until next time and fart and burp.  At least we'll feel better when we do.

Turned A Corner And I Ain't Going Back

Not sure when it happened, but things changed one day, and not for the better.  Was it the fact that I was approached to form a group with Joe and she just dropped it and then went to others and actually started a group?  I think it's not so much that she teamed up with others, it was just that she didn't bother to tell me that ahead of time.  I had to hear it through the gossip channels.

Looking at it now, I'm relieved that nothing came of her plan with me.  She has a tendency to be overly critical of anyone else and their ability.  She has already been bad-mouthing and complaining about her current mates, even though they are the ones getting the gigs and doing all the heavy lifting.  The name 'Diva' comes to mind every time I think about her attitude toward others.

I'm really not sure if this was the trigger point of how my feelings about performing and collaboration changed, but prior to that I was a lot more involved in the music scene around town.  

How do I feel now?  I feel like the guy in the race who has pushed and pushed and done his best and everyone else is rushing past, bumping into me, running me over and never looking back.  

I will take the blame for some of it.  There was a time when my attitude was extremely bad.  I will admit to that.  If this is the reason for my rejection now, it's not going to make things any better for me.  It only shows me that people overlook the good you do and only focus on the bad.  

That One Annoying Friend

Everybody has that one annoying friend who just sucks the fun out of everything.  This is they kind of 'friend' who interrupts you every time you try to talk, with their own running commentary, or their own idea of what you should be saying.  They have so little regard for you as a person, that they just never get it, when you finally get so fed up that you just shut up.

Why not tell them they suck?  Well, it's been my experience, that these are the type of people who just can't handle any criticism.  Any suggestion that they are less than perfect is met with a pouting demeanor and such hurt feelings that they never let you forget.

These are the same types of people who just can never get wry humor.  They suck all the fun out of lively conversation with such a serious tone, that you wonder if they were ever happy about anything in their life.  

My particular nemesis not only sucks the fun out of every situation, he also does it loudly.  He is abrupt, and curt and loud.  His shit is always the best.  He knows the best way to do everything.  He thinks that his interests are the most important thing in the world.  He will bore people for hours about his life, to the point of repeating himself so many times that even I can tell the story.