Wishing for some type of epiphany regarding how I'm really doing. Not sure I'm ready to go out and face the world again. I've become so disillusioned with people in general that I find my peace of mind gets beaten up every time I'm around people for more than a few minutes.
I've always felt that no one really listens to me and that feeling is even more profound now. It seems that everyone I try to talk with interrupts me and tried to put in their voice before I can even finish a thought. Even when someone asks a question they don't wait for an answer.
Then there's the biggest pain in the ass of them all. No matter what I say, I'm always overruled and told I'm wrong with my facts. I've always been overshadowed by my brother. He's always been the brains in the family. I don't think they expected much from me. I was never told that I had any talent or any redeeming value. Now I get the same type of treatment from just about everyone.
Biggest peeve is that everyone just loves to talk and talk and talk. They don't know how, or don't want to listen.
I'm feeling old and tired and of no value. No matter what I do I'm undervalued as a person. I consider this the plight of most humans though. The loudest voice in the room prevails.
And that jam at Little Cedar is a joke. There are people who dominate. Men who come in and just bulldoze their way through the session. And the cute gals, the skinny gals are the ones who have people encouraging them to play.
Last week that loud annoying guy who hogs the show asked me to sing the Bill Joe song, then he proceeded to sing a song, someone else jumped in, and then the loud annoying guy packed up and left. And Wish hasn't a clue. He's so out of it he doesn't even recognize how angry it makes me. He starts a song and expects me to join in, without even asking.
I'm falling deeper and deeper into a depression. I am a fat fuck with nothing left to give. Most days I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
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